Roll Out The Barrels/Transcript
WORK IN PROGRESS; NEEDS HUMAN REVIEW Have you ever wondered why a golf ball goes so far? They tell me it's all the dimples. Oh, yeah, these little dents in the golf ball make it aerodynamic. Actually, there are 336 dimples in a golf ball. I know. I counted them one day when I was with bernice at the mall. So I'm thinkin' if dimples make the golf ball go farther, they should have the same effect on this vehicle. That's where this ball-peen hammer comes in. We're gonna take the technology of the golf ball and apply it to the poor design of this ford 336 times. One. Two. Three. 334, 335, 336. If henry ford had of thought of this, he would've made a fortune. This should work great 'cause we've got an oversized driver. Fore! Duh! (play on ford) [ cheers and applause ] all right. Okay. Thank you very much. Hey, by golly. That's great. Yeah, appreciate that. Big, big, big week up at the lodge this week. The rock reef brewery is upgrading all their equipment 'cause they've been gettin' a lot of dead mice in their beer bottles. Now, personally, I think it's a cult suicide thing. And if you ever tasted the beer, I think you'd agree with me. Now, their slogan is, "the beer that goes down fast." but lately, their stock has actually been goin' down a little bit faster. So they're upgrading the whole plant, and the big news is they're giving away all their old beer barrels, and every guy in the lodge gets one. Unbelievable. Hey, red, you get your beer barrel yet? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah? Yeah, 'cause I'm putting firewood in mine. Why not? You know, it even says lager (logger) right on it! Oh, man. Oh, man. What about you, winston? You doin' something with yours? Well, I figure if I use mine as a septic holding tank, it'll sort of take on that homecoming feel to it. I like that one, yeah. What about old man sedgwick? What's he gonna do with his barrel? He says he's gonna use his as a barrel. Sounds like he's off the medication again. What about you, red? Got anything in mind? Well, I do, and you knew I would. Here's a hint. What do we have at rock reef point? Uh, reefs, rock, and a smoldering chip wagon. No, no, no. What do we have that comes up over the point and drops down into mercury creek? Oh, the run-off from the rendering plant. No, no, no. Water. Rock reef falls. Just like niagara falls. Think about it. What do people do in barrels at niagara falls? Well, it is the honeymoon capital. No, no, no. They go over the falls in a barrel. That's what I'm gonna do with my barrel. Man, are you guys really that dumb? I dunno. [ applause ] it's time to play the possum lodge word game! [ cheers and applause ] if you've ever wanted to pack up and travel to anywhere in the world at the drop of a hat, well, today's prize is the perfect hat for dropping. Oh! Sorry, red. And today, playing for that hat, is mike hamar. [ applause ] red, you've got 30 seconds to get mike to say this word... Oh, boy. Yeah, all right, dalton. And go! Okay, mike, this is gonna be pretty easy. Sentences are made up of these. Years in prison? No, okay. No, no, no. This has letters in it. A mailbox? No, uh -- okay, um, what are we doing here? What are we doing right now? What is this? Television. Yeah, I know, but what are we doing on television? That's what everybody says. Okay, um -- all right, this is an expression. Mum's the -- exotic dancer? No. Okay, mike, on the other side of the card there's something. It's not a number, it's a -- secret. Yes, I know, but what's written on the other side of the card? The correct answer. I know, but what is it? Well, if I knew that, I'd win the game. Time's almost up, red. All right. Come on, mike, use your head on this, will you? I beg to differ, mr. Green. You give bad clues. You always give bad clues. I do not. Hey, that's the word on the street. There we go! [ applause ] hey, harold, how come you're looking so low? Somebody else take the last bran muffin? No, I've been humiliated, publicly. Well, you gotta be used to that, huh? Thank you. No, no, no. I mean -- this is the big city, harold. People aren't going to treat you with kindness the way we do at the lodge. Okay, well, say somebody at the office comes up to you and says, "you wanna get in the pool?" what would you think? Well, they're giving me a chance to maybe gamble on something. Even you know? Oh, I'm worse off than I thought. I shouldn't be allowed to write cheques. Harold, harold, you gotta be exaggerating here, eh? Can't be that bad, huh? What did you think it meant? Oh. Well, maybe nobody noticed, eh? Welcome to talking animals with local animal control officer, ed frid. What do you got for us today, ed? Something a little tamer. Um, a little calmer because I have been having some nerve problems. Yeah. Yeah. Still having trouble getting over the vampire bat segment? Yeah, that was a lot of bats. It was. Too many, really. Yeah. I heard they infested your home. Yeah. Okay. But it's not so bad if you sleep with the lights on. So what you got in the box? Oh, I think the kids out there are really gonna love this. This -- this -- these are really cute little guys. Kind of small and fuzzy, eh? Sounds great, yeah. Must be pretty small if it fits in that box. You don't have any air holes, I see. No, but don't worry, red. There's no tarantulas here. There's only carpenter ants. Oh! Oh! Oh! Okay! Okay! Oh! Oh! Oh! Okay! Oh! This could be a bit of a problem if, uh -- if, uh -- do you have anything here that's made of wood? Well, uh, a few things, yeah. Oh! Oh! Okay. Okay. I'll get 'em. Get 'em. There's one there. Oh! Oh! Over there! Hey, I think they're heading for the door! Okay, they're outta here. Thanks, ed. [ cheers and applause ] need to have a little fundraiser for the possum lake hula dancing club to help them get to the finals in honolulu. And I figured we'd have a cribbage tournament. But I went into town -- I need 30 cribbage boards. Went to buy one. Eight bucks! Eight bucks for a cribbage board. Man, by the time we pay off the gaming commission and the liquor control people and the fire marshal, there won't be enough money left to buy the grass skirts or the coconut shell bikini tops. So I figure I can make the darned cribbage boards cheaper and quicker, and here's the best part, I won't have to buy any special machinery because, like cappuccino foam, it's all under my nose. Okay, maybe you don't have a table saw, but I bet you have a table and a saw. Just put 'em together. I can still hear the sound of uncle al's truss when he'd lunge across this table to fight the kids for the string off the roast. Memories. Now all I need is a shaper, or as I call it, a blender. You know, this blender will give me a nice beveled edge on her there. All right, now that I got the sides all shaped there, I gotta be drillin' some holes. Now, the cribbage board, you got two rows of holes, eh? Now, that's a lot of drilling, even if you had a drill. But here's a way to use a common household mixer to save time and money. All right, now, maybe clean-up is a factor for you, because you don't have my location or my attitude. Maybe you're in a condo or a freehold townhouse or cardboard enclosure of some kind, you can't afford a heavy duty industrial vacuum cleaner. You don't need it. All you need is a vehicle, and I'm sure you've got one of those around. Yeah, 'cause a car engine is just basically just a big air pump. You know, I got this idea from a teenager in town. He yelled at me, hey, man, your car sucks! Here's another bonus. A high compression engine makes great little dowels that you can use as game pieces. It is just that simple. So remember, if the women don't find you handsome, they should at least find you handy. 52, 54, 56, 58, double run, 16, two for the nine, one for the jack -- I wanna talk to you older guys about the scariest page in the newspaper, the obituaries. Oh, when you're young, you don't even look at them, do you? Then maybe a friend of yours has a great uncle who passed away during an altercation with a cliff. And you look in the obituaries, and you find his name. Then as time goes on, you find more and more people that you know are packing it in. But they're usually older than you, you know? Like doctors, principals, golf pros, that kind of thing. And then more time goes by, and people your own age are leaving us, you know? And you start going down the column there, looking for familiar names. It's like looking at the list of the high school football team and being real glad you didn't make the cut. Now, it worries me 'cause you get to the point where you're looking at the obituaries the first page every time you pick up the newspaper. So I think we should make a little deal here, all right? The bunch of us, on my 85th birthday, let's all of us meet here at the lodge. We'll do a drive-by mooning of city hall. So you gotta stay alive till then; otherwise we'll be down a pair of cheeks pressed up against the window of the tour bus. So I'm telling you, I'm going to do everything I can to stay in shape and live that long, and I'm expecting you to hold up your end. Remember, I'm pulling for you. We're all in this together. [ applause ] well, I'm almost ready for my plunge over rock reef falls in a beer barrel. You know, some people are asking me why I would do something like that, and I have no answer for them. But then there's other guys, guys like me, guys who have never done anything significant in their whole lives, except maybe one time at an all you can eat thing. They know what I'm talking about. They understand that sometimes a man's just gotta do what a woman would never consider. I got the padding and I got the safety gear. Red. Yeah. I gotta talk to you. What? Well, I've been doing some measuring and what not, and I think you have some engineering flaws in this beer impregnated daredevil fiasco of yours. What are you talking about, winston? Well, okay, given the dimensions of the inside of the barrel and the barrel's structural integrity, you're the wrong man for the job. Oh, yeah, you got too much height and too much, uh -- what? How do I put this delicately? Density! Too much density. You sayin' the barrel will break apart? Yeah, try to imagine a water balloon hitting the pavement from 12 floors up. Yeah, you need a smaller, lighter guy. You know, somebody about my size, for instance. And somebody who isn't married, either. I'm sure bernice isn't too thrilled with this idea. No, she's fine with it. You, uh, you haven't told her, huh? No, no, I -- hm-mmm. But, winston, how can I be a man if I don't even do the stunt myself? 'cause it was your idea. That's the main thing. Oh, sure, anybody can do something stupid. It's being able to think it up. There's the real gift. You might be right about that, winston. Hey, you know what? I really appreciate you looking out for me like that. Uh, you were looking for me, winston? No, I wasn't. No, mr. Green here was. Yeah, he's got a very exciting opportunity for you there. [ applause ] no. Yep. Thanks for letting me finish my laundry, red. I'll tell you, the spin cycle scared me a little. Well, I don't get as dizzy as I used to. Gord, are you all right? Are you gettin' enough to do up here? Oh, sure, I've got lots to do. I may be too busy. Yeah? Yeah, with my audio recordings. Oh, by the way, this is called an audio cassette. It's way better than an eight-track. You know, I think these things may just catch on. Yeah, I'm making my very own tapes. Oh, no, you're not gonna sing, are you, gord? No, no, I don't like music anymore, not since the captain & tenille split up. No, I'm recording the sounds of nature on tape. Well, that's a good idea 'cause you're up here in nature, you know. And you can just get all the sounds. People would probably give you money for those tapes, you know, because environmental sounds are very popular these days. Well, duh. Oh. So what have you recorded so far? No, I can't show you yet. I'm only half done. But I'm just about to do some recording, so sh-h-h! Sh-h-h! No, that's fine. [ howling ] that's the sound of a wolf howling at the moon. Gord, nature recordings, they should -- shh, red! Please, I'm recording. Oh, great! Great, red! Now, I've got the sound of you and me arguing. But that's -- that's not how nature -- what you do is take the machine outside. You hit record and let the microphone catch whatever sounds are in the air. Well, what a cop-out. That would take no effort at all. Who would wanna buy a tape like that, huh? Now, please, I'm trying to record some bird calls. All right? Cuckoo! Cuckoo! That was a large cuckoo. Cuckoo. Cuckoo. That was a little cuckoo. No kidding. Red: Kind of a sad day at the lodge. Burying a snake, ed's snake. Okay, ed. It's all right. We made a nice little headstone for him. He's pretty upset. No, it's all right. It's all right. Pretty upset. These things happen. Natural causes, nothing to be ashamed of here we need some closure here, so we gotta dig a pretty long -- long -- there's the coffin there. Too bad. They never curl up when they die, apparently. Anyway, we got the sticks. Everybody use the sticks as - the pall bearers can use the sticks and just slide them under the coffin. Couple of us on each end, and, you know, shouldn't be too -- come on, now, ed. Come on. Come on. It's all right. Okay, now we just gotta get he out to the actual grave site. 'course, everybody wants to go their own -- no, up the -- over this way. Over this way. You all right there, ed? You're okay. You're okay. Unfortunately wedged her between the trees here. Oh! Oh, oh, man. Okay, sorry. It's the guy's snake, guys. Come on. All right. Get her up. Get her up. No problem. No, I don't think it hurt him, ed. Yeah, I know. That was a bad one. Okay. All right. You're all right. No, you seem fine. You're good. You're good. You're fine. All right. All right. You're good. You're good. Oh, for gosh sake. They couldn't decide which way to go on this fork, so they -- oh, man. Get back there! Get over there and get it. Hurry up! Hurry up! And no problem. The trouble here -- I don't know who measured this. It's a little too long. Maybe we can just enlarge -- winston! No, winston! Ah, come on! Show a little respect. Hey! Hey, dalton, dig the hole a little bit -- oh. All right, what do we do now, guys? Well, now, winston got an idea there. They could ram it, kinda like a -- a ram thing. You know, like a -- give her one good one, boys. There we go. Oh, oh, oh! O-o-oh! O-o-oh. All right, everybody's okay. No -- no harm -- oh, my gosh! Uh-ho. Oh! Oh! Oh! Ew! Rest in peace. Planet earth. Last stop this galaxy. You might wanna stretch your tentacles there. You know, red, it would have been a different story if those had been real aliens. Oh, touché. But you know, I would've thought that man who got me up in the middle of the night because the cops had picked him up trying to get chosen by aliens to fly off into the final frontier, might feel he owed me at least an explanation. All right, red, if you must know. It was the police band radio in my car. Those are illegal, dalton. Everybody has 'em up here. I'm riding in my car, I turn on the radio, and there are the cops, they're all excited about some reported u.F.O. In the field north of the old switch road, and I head right over there, and it is a trap. Every car in town with a police band radio was there. The cops nailed every one of them. That's pretty smart. You sure it was our cops? You know, you're right. Maybe those weren't our cops. Maybe those were aliens in the bodies of our cops. Oh, come on, dalton. If you were an alien, and you could pick any body in possum lake, would you pick chief tackleberry's? You seem to have this belief that something's gonna come out of the sky and take you away from all this. Well, it happens. Yeah, it's called lightning. Well, mike's ride over rock reef falls in a beer barrel had a couple of snags. Seems like no matter how well you think these things through -- you know what, we should've known we were in trouble. You know, when we put the barrel in the creek, and there wasn't enough water for it to float. Yeah, it just kinda went along the bottom there, bounced along. Then it went way off course. Didn't even go over rock reef falls, really. Went over rock reef point. Boy, did he pick up speed, eh? That thing dropped like a death charge. Well, it is the beer that goes down fast. That's true. Oh, here he is. Let's hear it for him. [ applause ] I don't wanna go on that ride again, daddy. Come on. We're over here. Come on. You're all right. There we go, mike. So, mike, how far did you get before she flew apart? About 20 miles. I've never gotten to port asbestos that fast in my life. [ possum squealing ] oh, did I just run over another possum? No, no, it's meeting time. It's meeting time now. Let's go. You guys go ahead. I'll be down in a minute. Bye, daddy. Okay. He'll be fine. If my wife is watchin', I'll be comin' straight home after the meeting. And I learned a lot today. I came up with a stupid idea, and I saw it through but with no personal injury to myself or public embarrassment because I know now, that's what friends are for. And to the rest of you, thanks for watchin'. On behalf of myself and the whole gang up here at possum lodge, keep your stick on the ice. [ applause ] closed captioning performed by intercaption canada www.Intercaption.Com all right, everybody sit down. Sit down. Sit down. Everybody sit down. Sit down, guys. Sit down. Okay. All rise! [ groaning ] quando omni flunkus moritati. Sit down. All right, bow your heads for the men's prayer. I'm a man, but I can change, if I have to, I guess. Closed captioning provided by